I watched him walk out the door, hoping that he would come back and kiss me, tell me that everything was going to be okay. Except I knew that it wasn't. We had been fighting every night for the past week. Tonight was a little different. There was no screaming, no name-calling. I guess it's because Nate realized that there was nothing left to say.
He paused by the steps and I was tempted to run out of the house and wrap my arms around him. But he kept walking and never came home that night.
* * * * * * *
We had been married for a year when the problems first started. Sure, we squabbled like most couples. And neither one of us was naive enough to believe that the honeymoon stage would last forever. Soon, we got comfortable enough to "really let loose". You know, that awkward moment when you realize that you're okay with farting in front of someone else. That's us! Although during the day, we had grownup jobs, our home was our playground where we could be as un-dignified as we wanted. Hell, we were downright rowdy.
I remember the exact date of The Talk. It had been a brutal day at the office and I just wanted to spoon with my hubby. As Nate was holding me, his body had stiffened and he grew quiet.
"Mar?" he whispered.
"Hmm?" I mumbled lazily, half-asleep.
"What do you think about a baby?" he asked.
I told him I would think about it. Then I lay awake, long after Nate had drifted off, my mind troubled. At dawn, I tiptoed into the kitchen. I sat at the table thinking. And still no answers would come.
We had a good life. Nate had started working with an agent. He was all set to begin recording his demo at an actual studio. The agent, Mr. Marks, wanted to market him as "the next Bon Iver". I was writing radio jingles and was working on some tunes for a cable TV show. In no time at all, my name would be on the credits of an A-List film. Besides, we already had children. We had adopted three dogs from the no-kill shelter. It had been no easy feat getting all three of them potty-trained. Lady, Tramp and Roscoe were members of our family and if you would ask them, they ruled the house.
* * * * * * *
Tonight's fight had been the last straw for my husband. I had been slaving away at my computer, trying to put together a little piece I had in mind for a local soap opera. Nate was getting ready for bed and wanted some cuddle time.
And seriously, who was I to deny a sexy man like my husband? The way that man kisses...
But then he ruined everything by telling me that he wanted to make a baby. I couldn't handle it.
I couldn't look him in the eye. How was I supposed to tell him that I couldn't give him the one thing he wanted more than anything in the world?
Nate begged me to open up to him, to tell him what I was thinking. I had wanted kids before we got engaged, when we were planning our future family. So what had changed?
Was it the stretch marks? The weight gain? The swollen ankles? The time off work?
Nate was a desperate man with a wife who refused to talk to him. He would give up his own happiness to be with me, because he loved me very much.
But when I looked into his face, I knew that I could never let him do that nor was I prepared to return the favor.
My husband left after that and who knows when he'll return.